Our great editor-in-chief, Cheeeeeeese, wanted me to lay down a few e-words and crack some wise on the Bobby Petrino fiasco. The story is a couple of weeks old but new salacious details are leaking every day.
On its face, this is a rather tame public sex scandal. No hairless Korean boys. No rest-area trysts with a leather-clad ex-con. Just your standard, run of the mill, extramarital affair. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed when I heard there were no inter-gender elements to this story. I was hoping they found him in an abandoned athletic shed hopped up on trucker speed and performing unreciprocated fellatio on that silky-voiced drifter, Ted Williams. But even though this is a relatively vanilla cause célèbre, as the layers of the onion are peeled back, some interesting angles to the story continue to emerge.
First: Where is Jessica Dorrell and why hasn’t she shown her face yet? Did she suffer some sort of permanent facial disfigurement along the lines of Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky? Hopefully, but more realistically, since this is a high-profile case involving an illicit love affair between a moderately attractive woman and a powerful man with deep pockets, it is probably safe to assume that she is in the process of lawyering up. If that is the case, you know it’s only a matter of time before that nefarious femagouge, Gloria Allred, rears her repugnant, transgendered head to shakedown Petrino and the University of Arkansas. Haven’t we had about enough of this charlatan? Seriously, if she shows up in this case, then I will liquidate my 401(k) in order to hire a group of Islamic Jihadists to come over from the tribal region of Pakistan so they can bury her up to her neck and fling heavy stones at her face. And if that costs too much, then a simple acid attack will work.
Second: Do you think Jessica Dorrell’s fiancée is pulling out his pocketknife and scratching “Brooks Was Here” (so was Red) into the hotel wall above his bed right now? Dude should probably just pack up and move to a remote village in Bangladesh after that public cuckolding. Poor fella.
Third: What was that $20k cayyyyyysh payment to Dorrell all about? Was this some sort of payoff for deviant sexual acts visited upon her? Maybe this mousy, virginal type needed a little hush money? Maybe she knew too much. Maybe she had some incriminating pictures of him engaged in acts of Coulrophilia. I don’t know what the payment was for but I’m very interested to find out why he gave her such a large amount of money.
Fourth: How many Arkansas GOP politicians are freaking out about the fact that Allison Melder’s name is now part of a national sex story? How does a girl like that have anything to do with politics? She looks like she should be double-fisting black trouser meat on the interwebs, not working on public-employee pension reform. Apparently, she worked on Republican candidate Jim Keet’s gubernatorial campaign. She must have had pictures of him in a gimp mask to get that gig. I’d be gobbling Paxil by the handful if I was an Arkansas politican that has ever had anything to do with Miss Motorcycle Mania, because she looks like the type that likes to talk. By the way, nice score, Bobby. Hopefully they release the seven pictures she sent to his university-issued cell phone.
Fifth: Now that Petrino’s phone records have been released, how do you think Petrino’s texts will compare to some of those sent by Tiger Woods? Just to refresh your memory, here are a few of the texts Tiger sent to adult-film starlet Joslyn James: “I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you;” “Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? Just morbid curiosity”; “You are my f**king whore. Hold you down while I choke you”. Tiger set the bar. Bobby might need a few textual exchanges with a transgendered phone dominatrix in order to beat that. Can’t wait to see what he’s got.
Sixth: When did the University of Arkansas find its moral compass? The university stated that the official reason for firing Petrino was that he violated the “morals clause” of his contract. I did a quick Google search and came across some of the University’s “notable” alumni. Choir boys, they are not. A few of the gems on that list include: Barry Switzer (son of an illegal bootlegger, known philanderer, arrested on charges of insider trading and attempting to board an airplane with a loaded .38 handgun, and head of one of the dirtiest college football programs of all time, which was known for gang rape and cocaine distribution), Jimmy Johnson (pitchman for penile enlargement company Extenze) and Dr. William Harrison (world-famous obstetrician who cornered the bort-shun market in Northwest Arkansas, performing over 20,000 in his career using nothing more than some leg stirrups and an egg beater). Keep in mind, these are the self-described ‘notable’ alumni – you know, the ones they are really proud of. I’m surprised they haven’t awarded an honorary doctorate to Joran van der Sloot.
Seventh: Was it absolutely necessary to fire Petrino? I mean, this isn’t Berlin 1939, is it? It’s not like the guy was harboring Jews and lying to the Fuehrer about it. He fibbed to the boss about an inter-office relationship and possibly left the university susceptible to a little employment litigation. Whatever a lawsuit settlement would cost the university would pale in comparison to the revenue generated from a national-title contending season. The university isn’t going to find a coach of his caliber at this point and the program will more than likely slip back into mediocrity. I think they should have kept him.
Eighth: Where does Petrino go now? Does he spend the rest of 2012 popping pills and wallowing in the wreckage of his failed marriage? Probably not. Why not head back Louisville? They obviously have a more liberal understanding of the ‘morals clause’ and his extracurricular activities will be tolerated there. The University stood by Rick Pitino when he went through a similar scandal back in April of 2009. Karen Cunagin Sypher, wife of Louisville equipment manager Tim Sypher, attempted to extort a sizable amount of money from Pitino by threatening to publicly levy rape allegations against him. Ummm, that’s not very nice. Although Sypher was ultimately convicted of extortion, many details of the sordid love affair were leaked to the public, including the fact that Pitino admitted to having relations with her on a table in a public restaurant and that he gave her $3k for a fetus deletus. If she was so hard-up for cash that she needed to extort money from Pitino, maybe she should have just pocketed the money earmarked for the cervical mulligan and just thrown herself down a long and twisty flight of metal stairs. Maybe then she wouldn’t be face-deep in some diesel dyke’s lap in a federal penitentiary right now. But I digress. Pitino could help get Petrino back on the right track. And imagine those two grape-stompers running around Louisville together. Lock the wives and girlfriends up if that happens. These two don’t really have the utmost respect for the sanctity of marriage.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts on the situation. Would love to hear yours.