Luke Chrisco, a 31-year old Colorado man, pleaded not guilty to 8 felony counts of 2nd-degree burglary, as well as 2 misdemeanor counts of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy, on Friday.
The charges stem from a 2011 Boulder Yoga festival where a woman stepped inside a porta-potty and discovered something lurking in the deep, dark depths below. She immediately ran outside of the toilet to seek assistance from a nearby security guard. Moments later, a tall, fecal-stained man emerged from the toilet with cuts on his body and wearing nothing but a pair of ragged sweatpants.
Can you imagine the amount of butterscotch-colored diarrhea that seeped into his open flesh wounds?
Chrisco immediately fled the scene and the security guard did not pursue – probably because he makes $12/hour, which is nowhere near enough to wrestle someone to the ground who is covered from head to toe in Hepatitis C.
Now, before we continue, let’s picture this scene: some creepy drifter is resting knee-deep in floaters and shit-water, with his fist squirming around in his underpants, waiting for some unsuspecting coed to evacuate her colon on his forehead.
I’m gonna need some more Cialis.
Chrisco was apprehended about a week later and told police about some additional favorite peeping spots in Boulder, including a Target, a number of restaurants, and the Department of Motor Vehicles.
So apparently, this wasn’t the first time his gastrointestinal fetish led him to criminal activity.
Hey Luke, I respect your commitment, but these are some serious charges you are racking up. If you beat this wrap, you should probably cool-it on the felonious activity.
I’m sure you can find some teenage runaway on Craigslist to empty a colostomy bag on your head. Or if that doesn’t get your rocks off, maybe you can get her to pop a handful of stool-softeners and treat your chest like a Jackson Pollock canvas.
The most you’re gonna get from that is a misdemeanor soliciting charge and some infectious disease, of course. That certainly beats 8 felony counts.
But, who knows? Maybe he needs some turtling chick to perform an anal abortion on his dome from 4 feet above in order to lift his crane. To each his own, I guess. Whatever the case – we’re pulling for you Luke.